Dates to Remember

It was two years ago today that I first saw the love of my life in France.  My soul mate.

There are things that I hold dear to my heart and will never escape my memory.  I remember walking into the fenced off area that held the bikes and seeing him fitting another person for the ride.  Little did I ever imagine that three days later we would be together. Better yet, two years later we would be getting together again.

I got an email from someone else who was on that trip.  It was nice to read from him.  Time passed and I had forgotten about him.  I wrote back and said that Pierre was on his way.  It felt nice.  Somehow when we are together it feels right.  Even when we are faced with the challenges of the circumstances, I don't care.  It still feels right.

It's funny, I'm terrible with dates.  I am not one to be sentimental or remember birthdays and anniversaries.  They are not important to me, but this one is.  

I'm not one to go back in time and rehash the past, but this date I do remember and I don't even have to try.

It's not everyday that one gets to join up with the person that movies and songs are made of.  I don't wonder if he exists anymore.

Not everyone gets a chance to look at another person and feel their heart beat faster with unexplainable delight.

Some people don't want to work at sustaining that connection in spite of circumstances, but I do.

What seems to get stronger is my commitment to our relationship.  What drives that commitment is my profound love that does not go away; instead it grows.

Happy Anniversary my baby.

I Love You!

That was easy!!!

According to Wikipedia...

To encourage devotion to St. Jude, it is common to acknowledge in writing favors received. "Thank you for favors granted". He is frequently thanked in the personals column of many daily newspapers such as the Daily Telegraph, Private Eye and other newspapers. A simple such as above and here "Thank you St.Jude for favors granted" is all that is required.

All WE have to say is Thanks?

I don't know or care how the passport was found, just that it was.

My belief in Saint Jude is not from the point where I think he takes objects from one place and puts them in an area where they will be seen. Instead, I believe that turning it over so we can have a peace of mind that the lost articles will show up, so we can go about our business and clarity will come to us knowing that worrying will do no good, but searching with a clear, less frantic mind will.  

To me, St. Jude does not help us find our lost articles, but he does help us find our lost sanity. St. Jude, Jude Law, biggest dick in Hollywood, it doesn't matter who or what it gets turned over to.  What matters is that I can turn the crazy thinking over to SOMETHING, and know that whatever is found will be.  

For that I type, "Thank you for favors granted."

Saint Jude Thaddeus

So with the missing passport and the uncertainty of the next time we will see each other, I revert to the old standby...

Taken from Wikipedia I pray to St. Jude.

“Most holy apostle, Saint Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the Church honours and invokes you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, I am so helpless and alone. Make use I implore you, of that particular privilege given to you, to bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly (here make your request) and that I may praise God with you and all the elect forever. I promise, O blessed Saint Jude, to be mindful of this great favour, to always honour you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you. Amen.


I prefer the shorter version, but if the long one works, I don't care, as long as I get to see my baby.

“Saint Jude, Hope of the Hopeless, Pray for Pierre and me”

Pespective

I liked the last two readings in Journey to the Heart.  I read them both today.  

Yesterday's was about being in the right place.  The final quote was, "You're right where you need to be.  Maybe you've been there all along."  I know this is true, but I don't always remember it.  I guess that is why my morning routine is so important.  I get to read these pages that I have read before, but they take on different significance each time, and they remind me of the good things that I sometimes forget.  

Sometimes I think that where I am is not where I need to be.   I think that because it doesn't feel good that it must be wrong.  Instead, I was reminded to look at it from the perspective that I'm learning and growing. That's not always comfortable and easy. When I look at it from that perspective, it doesn't feel so bad.  Plus, I have the experience that it will pass.

The second reading was about forgiving your inner child.  I usually don't buy into the inner child shit, but I could relate to the scared little child that sometimes wants to influence my actions.  The reading suggested that I be gentle with that child, and that I am grown now and I know how to live on my own.  This is something else that I sometimes forget.  The final quote was, "Watch for your four-year-old.  This child may never completely leave you, but you don't have to let him or her run the show."  Sigh...just something else I needed to remember.

Of course it was something else that I needed to remember otherwise, it would not have been put in front of me to read.  I took the action to open the book, but I did not write the words.  If my goal is to have a purposeful life, then I have to look at each experience as having some kind of lesson.  In these lessons, I am not the teacher, I am just the student.  For once, I don't have to make lesson plans, but I do have to show up for class.

London Tea House

One of the things that I've been doing to prepare for your arrival is to download songs on iTunes and burn compilation CDs.  I love music, as you know from my melodic voice.

So there's this one CD that I've had for many years.  It is a project of alternative 90's gothic type artists who got together and created some very depressing music which tends to be one of my favorite types.  The project was called, "This Mortal Coil." 

Several songs are my favorite.  I can remember listening to their music over and over and I never got tired of it.  Then other albums filled its place and I stopped listening.  So when I had the opportunity to add my CDs to my iTunes, I pulled out all my old music.  I uploaded one song in particular from This Mortal Coil.  It's very instrumental with just a few lines at the end of the song.

I can remember singing to the song and remembering how much I loved the end when the voice said "In a London Tea House, In a London Tea House."

I thought it was strange when I read the title to be "It'll end in Tears."

When I listened to the song again after putting it on iTunes, I replaced In a London Tea House with It'll end in tears.  Wouldn't you know; it fit.  I had been singing it wrong all these years.

Equal rights

I've read from the same meditation books for over 12 years now.  Sometimes I remember the readings and subjects and sometimes I don't.  Even the ones I remember, I'm impressed with how they can take on a different meaning depending on where I am spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  Today was one of those readings that I don't remember at all.  It's like I've never read it before even though I know that I have.

It said, "Love exists only where freedom exists.  Create relationships that are equal.  There you will find love."

I will not cite the book or author.  Sorry Melody.

I couldn't help thinking about what is going on with a couple of our friends.  If I look at the core, I think perceptions on all parts are creating inequality.

I couldn't help thinking about comments that are sometimes made about our differences, in language and health both physical and emotional.  I think some perceptions of inequality exist there too.  I tend to feel less than rather than equal to.

So if this reading is true, then I have some work to do.  Even though I've read this page before, I was not ready for the message until now.  Today I am ready to hear the message.  I will ask for help in taking the action.  I will ask my closest friends and the Universe to help me sort this out and guide me in the right actions to take; friends that I feel on an equal basis with.

Which leads me to my second reading today which was, "We don't have to do it alone."  This one I have heard before.

The growing never stops.

Head talking

I got to go to Joshua Tree National Park - alone.  It's not the best time of year to be there, but with the crappy weather Long Beach has been experiencing, I figured, "Why not."  So I loaded up the car Sunday morning and headed out after meeting some friends on the beach.  I didn't want to get there too early, so I stopped by a resort in Palm Springs to soak up some sun before getting on the 10.

On the way, my head was swimming with the bad things that could be happening and that were going to happen. Then I took the exit to get to the Joshua Tree entrance.  My heart filled with pride.  "So what if they happen." I said to myself.  I'm going to be camping shortly.  

Because it was Sunday evening, and because it is summer, I only saw two cars all the way up to the campground.  That's when my head was thinking "This is going to be great!  There's hardly anybody here!"  What I was not considering was that the Ranger's felt that way too.  The campground that I was dying to stay in was closed.  

Now my head is saying "CRAP!"  I knew the large campground at the entrance was open, but I had no desire to camp there.  So I kept going.  I went to the campground called "Jumbo Rocks."  Pierre and I stayed there once in the height of the season.  We were lucky to get a spot.  I think we pissed a few people off getting it too. We had a nice time there, but I felt a little like a sardine. 

This campground must have over 100 sites.  If the campsite at the entrance is the condominium of Joshua Tree, this site is the Co-op.  Sure enough, it was open.  I got an o.k. site.  Not near any rocks, but private enough.  I set up camp and had a GREAT fire.  Sleeping was perfect.  The temperature not too cold.  I was able to keep the top flap open, so when I woke up in the middle of the night, as I frequently do, I could see the stars.  I woke up one time and saw a shooting star.

The highlight of the trip was my morning hike.  I didn't know what time it was, but I had finished my coffee and was on my way.  I took the wrong way out of the parking lot and passed by Ryan Mountain.  Pierre and I had done this quick little 1.5 mile hike before, and I spontaneously turned into the lot and decided to take it on my own.  

I did pass one person in the parking lot who looked like he/she was going on the hike, and there was one other car in the lot.  When I got to the top, the only person up there was heading down.  I got to stay up there for about 1/2 hour on my own, contemplating my negative thinking and feeling grateful for my abundance.  The weather was perfect, not too hot or cold. On my way down, I passed 10 people on their way up.  Perfect timing.  My spur of the moment planning worked out.

I miss Pierre when I'm doing stuff like this, but I'm grateful that missing him does not stop me from doing the things I like to do.  I want to be with him always, but I recognize the value of doing things alone.  So for today, I will go about my business wondering what he is doing.  I will attempt to have a life knowing that a part of me is not whole.  I will try to appreciate the beauty of nature and the gifts I've been given, even if I have to do it without the love of my life.

Back blogging

It's nice to head back to the blog after a couple hectic weeks at work.  I've read my lover's posts with a smile on my face and profound joy in my heart. I'm so proud of you baby!  I've learned some things these past few weeks. Maybe I've re-learned some things.  Maybe that's what it's all about. 

Lesson Number 1:  Don't wash your iPod.  Accidently I left my iPod in my shorts when I put them in the washing machine.  I heard this loud clinking sound during the wash, but I did not investigate.  When I opened the door after the final spin cycle I saw the trademark white earbuds and made the connection that the noise was more than a button hitting the class of the front-load washer.  It was coming from my 3 month old blue metallic shuffle.  When I talked about this with my kids they said, "But we know better."  That was exactly my point.  We do know better, but lessons like this happen anyway. It's like when they remind their Kindergarten buddies not to run on the blacktop, but they do it themselves.

Lesson Number 2: It's like this every year. The responsibilities, pressure and feelings are always the same, but I forget.  It's hectic.  The days are long and seem to drag, yet it still seems like there's not enough time to do anything.  There are many things scheduled and deadlines to meet.  I'm pulled in many directions.  Add to that the weather, (yes it is still gloomy) on top of my masters class and I can quickly feel overwhelmed. And then... 

It's over... 

Nothing... 

I got it all done.

I have no more work responsibilities for a few months.  In spite of all of that, I still woke up yesterday feeling like I had too much to do, and not enough time do to it.

But it's like this every year.  When will I learn?  Why don't I remember?  When will I give myself a break and remember that I will get it all done?

The good news is that after a week of plugging in my iPod, today it must have been dry enough to take the charge.  I don't know if it still works, but at least there are signs of some life.  Maybe that will be true for me too.  Eventually there will be signs of life.  It was true last summer and the summers before that. 

Flat Beat Mr Oizo

When you need time to rest after a long school year, I would need more work to pretend I have a professional life... There`s always been a Mr Oizo deep inside of me.

P.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kv6Ewqx3PMs

Happy holidays my love...

it`s about time to play after a long shool year!

Thanks Randy for sharing with me your celebration of summer break!!!!

Here`s your link to the video you sent me, (six flags) for too busy (grey) days...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ze72uyZfY5Q

D-Day in Normandy

Today is the memorial the of D-Day. 

"Le debarquement de Normandie" in my language.

65 years ago, thousands of American soldiers arrived on the coast of Normandy. Thousands were savagely killed as soon as they set foot on the long barren French coasts. The world would probably look totally different if it wasn`t for their sacrifice.

However, I have  followed the celebrations distantly. Not out of lack of interest of course, but because there are times when I seem to just can`t take news anymore.

While briefly watching a footage of Obama, Sarkozy and several other heads of states in Normandy today, I felt very positive and emotional about our political leaders wanting to not just let history`s lessons fade into a mere lapse of memory.

Whether or not this really prevents us from starting new wars again and again is unfortunately debatable.

Angela Merkel`s gratitude to the allies for defeated Germany at the end of the war was very powerful too. Without support and forgivemess, Germany would never have had a chance to get passed the horrors of the nazi regime and start almost from scratch. 

I liked being reminded of the bond we have with the thousands of American, Australian, Canadian soldiers who gave their lives in Normandy (probably not all that willingly! They had no choice) and the gratitude we owe them to have fought for a cause they could probably not even conceptualize until some of the survivors made their way east and saw the prisoners of the concentrations camps. 

Gratitude for the willingness of Europe and the new American administration to achieve peace especially in the middle east.

Gratitude for this personal bond I have with America, a country where for many reasons I have planted some meaningful seeds for the last 28 years, and more so for the last two!

P.

Grey can be a happy color to watch!

No comments ! 

Just a reminder to watch this video on grey sad days...

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/01/02/assignment_america/main4696340.shtml

Castles in spain...

My so beloved foreign-born-who-forces-me-to-the-exile-and-sorrow-until-I-die-husband.

Yes I sooooooooooooooooooo love you, and sooooooooooooooooo want to live with you. 

So we are like Judith, Martha, Rickard and the 36000 others bi-national couples in the US who have to live 30 billions miles away from each other in spite of their love.

That`s  a lot of people we have something in common at least.

I read part of the CNN article you sent me on same sex couples and immigration rights, and I am of course thrilled that this issue is starting to reach the congress or senate levels.

But the US still have quite a ways to go until they can really be a country of freedom! even if it could be worse for us:

I was reading yesterday that in Spain, the first case of same sex marriage murder happened recently.

"He kills his husband" said the title, (with a long knife stuck in his husband`s back for more details).

Some gay rights activists are now requiring from the Zapatero government to help them finance -like it did for straight couples- a special organization that deals with harassed, physically abused, gay husbands.

So I think we  should both come live to Spain where we can get married, have the same rights, both learn a foreign language (so we are equals on that level), have the right to walk naked in the streets at any time (that`s the law and not a joke !), and all that with the sea,the  sun,wonderful weather year round. And when you can`t stand me anymore and will threat me a long knife, I can get help from the Spanish progressive government...

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/06/03/same.sex.immigration/index.html

Broken embraces

« Broken embraces »

Some movies have that power to take me to very profound layers of myself. Some actors or actresses, as well, but more so, certain film directors: Pedro Almodovar is definitely one of them.

His very distinctive style, twisted stories, recurrent transgender or homosexuality references and esthetics on the verge of some controlled "cheesiness" -is there such a word?- does probably not seduce everybody though.

In order to really get into his world, I personally must agree to get lost at first.This phase works as a ritual that I recognize as his trademark. Then the magic operates in very subtle  and yet simultaneously  exaggerated tragicomic ways. Strokes after strokes the gradual puzzle appears  as a the artist gives birth to a painting on his canvas.

Every Almodovar movie is a sensual and intellectual experience that I know I will savor avidly. I am inevitably seduced by his flamboyant creativity and sensitivity. But besides the colorful and often melodramatic atmosphere for which Almodovar is a real master, I am always deeply moved by the tenderness and compassion with which he  depicts and analyses his characters, and women in particular.

When the end (unfortunately) comes, I feel like I am more human, more sensitive and wish I were more creative. I am aware that I have been embarked on a trip to a parallel world: a world of “subtle exaggerations” with blatant beauty and real (com)passion.

In « Broken embraces », separation, death, passion and tragedy are once more a the rendez-vous as familiar and truculent ingredients. 

I could not help thinking about the passionate feelings I have for the one I love when tears come even if fortunately, my life is not an Almodovar movie in an opera setting.

I had turned off my cell phone during the movie. But when I switched it back on the following text message from Randy appeared on the screen: ”Wow! Out of the blue, I just felt an amazing deep and profound love for you. Thought you should know”.

I am so grateful that I know, and am being reminded regularly.

P.